In a surprise announcement ahead of the Royal wedding it has been announced that Harry Kane will be knighted for “services to putting the pressure on”
The 24 year old striker who was not even born the last time that Spurs beat Chelsea at Stamford Bridge is being recognised for his glorious achievements of the last two years.
Years in which he rose to the challenge of putting the pressure on the Premier League Champions to great adulation before his side ultimately won nothing more than a packet of quavers and hot air from football pundits.
Firstly Spurs were able to make things tough for the Cinderella story of Leicester winning the league before their hopes were ended with a 2-2 draw against Chelsea who came back from 2 goals down to spoil the party.
The next year he had the same role as Antonio Conte’s side went on to win the league in some style in the Italian’s first season in charge.
29 and 30 Premier League goals may have won him a golden boot but Kane’s medal case currently limited to a League Cup runners up medal from the 2014/2015. The FA devastated at this sorry state of affairs have stepped up and taken action by lobbying Meghan Markle directly.
The American not understanding the game and her husband an Aston Villa fan (same issue) were keen to help recognise the Prince’s namesake.
Sir Harry Kane of the PressureDome has thus far been unavailable for comment, however Spurs fans have risen in honour of one of their own.
“Harry Kane is a living legend, his ability to the pressure on has really boosted our annual VHS season review sales and we hope one day to see him put the pressure on at a higher level with England”
*This is a terribly written and not very funny April fool*
Chelsea Football Club to be renamed Cheatski in honour of it’s owner.
Ho Ho – such a FUNNY April Fools Day joke ……………
In a special Royal Decree, the Queen has announced that with immediate effect, sanctions will be placed upon Chelsea, reflecting the club’s status as ‘Russian Lickspittles’. The move is part of the increasing tension between the Uk and Russia, the east European corrupt dictatorship on which Chelsea has been completely dependent for 15 years
Government officials confirmed that, as no living Chelsea fans had been identified who saw the club win its only legitimate league title in the 1950s, the government is confident that no real supporters will face undue hardship from the sanctions. Indeed it only identified 6 supporters who could claim to have followed the club from the time before the Russian takeover in the early 2000s.
The sanctions include an immediate closure of the clubs Stamford Bridge stadium to supporters, meaning the team will now play in front of empty stands. Manager Antonio Wiggio was relaxed on the development however, quoted by Reuters as saying “what do I care? I’m leaving anyway. And frankly there will be more atmosphere in the empty stadium”
Lol you are the saddest cunts on the planet